[Teacher Zhang talks about education]You should be a “happy mother”! Read with me, don’t lose yourself to me!

Chinese Herald columnist Teacher Zhang (Zhang Yunteng)

Most of the people who come to me for consultation on their children’s education are mothers, while fathers seem to be busy with work or more tolerant. These mothers include senior immigrant mothers, new immigrant mothers, and mothers studying with international students. Although there are many mothers who are calm, calm, and rational, there are also many mothers who are anxious and helpless. In fact, most of the things that worry mothers have solutions. If worrying can solve the problem, go ahead and worry! To make matters worse, the Chinese community has an explosion of information that is sometimes misleading, causing them to seek medical treatment indiscriminately for emergencies, which often brings new troubles.

Whether you are immigrating or accompanying students, if you have just arrived in New Zealand, please parents and friends first slow down the pace of life in China which is like a war every day. Parents’ peace of mind is the greatest sense of security for children. In some things and sometimes, if the mother takes a step back, the children can often go further. Your child will definitely grow up, please give her/them appropriate time and space. There are many stories like this. Nothing happens to the child, but the mother collapses first. Isn’t it ridiculous? !

Testimony from the principal and professor: Children getting lost is also part of growing up!

Many years ago, a Taiwanese middle school principal and adjunct professor of university education told me the story of his son. He has three children, the first two of whom are girls. He has excelled in studies since he was a child and has not been worried about. He has successfully passed the college entrance examination to the national university of his choice. The third child is a boy. The public high school entrance examination was assigned to a school far away from home, so he had no chance to enter the prestigious school where his father was the principal. The couple discussed with their son and decided to enroll him in a private high school near their home, and if necessary, leave the opportunity to retake the exam until the college entrance examination.

My son graduated from high school and failed the college entrance examination. According to the original plan, he was sent to a cram school to retake the college entrance examination. Everything went as usual in the first half of the year. Shortly after school started in the second half of the year, the mother discovered that her son’s clothes were unusually unclean and often stained with black oil. The principal and professor’s father also knew about this situation, so they decided to remain calm and observe for a while before talking.

One day, the principal’s father passed by the entrance of a motorcycle repair shop and accidentally caught a glimpse of his son disassembling parts in the shop. He walked quickly to avoid being discovered by his son. Huh? Why would my son show up at a motorcycle repair shop during school hours in broad daylight? In order to confirm the doubts in his heart, the principal’s father deliberately passed the door of this store from a distance many times, while his son worked in the store. He understood and calmly told his wife after returning home: “I have unlocked a secret. You must calm down. Don’t be angry or upset! … I will handle it.”

His son went home for dinner every day during normal school hours. A few days passed, and one day after dinner, the principal’s father entered his son’s study as if nothing had happened. “Son, how have you been studying recently? Have confidence!” The son was stunned for a moment, and it took him a while to come back to his senses. He said timidly: “Dad, I’m sorry! I bought a motorcycle with the tutoring fees in the second half of the year, and then went to work as an apprentice in a motorcycle repair shop…”

Unexpectedly, the principal’s father looked at his son calmly and said calmly: “Employment or work is one of the purposes of going to college. It’s great! You just got a job early. What do you think?” The son lowered his head: “To be honest, it’s better to study until you save enough for tuition. , I will go back and continue tutoring.” “Think clearly, I will give you another tutoring fee, and you will go back to class immediately. However, you must agree to one condition. You must wear a helmet when riding a motorcycle to and from school every day!” Putting this aside, the principal’s father walked out of his son’s study.

His son started going to school again. Not long after, he suffered a broken leg in a car accident, and the father, the principal, often had to carry his son in and out of the hospital. The deeply guilty son told his parents: “I’m very sorry! I will work harder to repay you in the future. There are still more than two months until the college entrance examination, and I am afraid that I will not be ready for the science and engineering exams. I decided to switch to the liberal arts group where it is easier to get admitted. If I sprint hard, I may still be on the list.” The principal’s father said: “I respect your decision, and you must be responsible for your own decisions.”

The results of the college entrance examination were released, and his son was admitted to the “Department of Banking and Insurance” of a private university. The principal’s father happily told his wife: “Children who have lost their way learn more. Don’t worry when your son grows up! Children like this are not far behind.” Many years later, his son worked as a senior executive in a large bank. This story is the best testimony of “father is wise and mother has no worries”!

Don’t bring your domestic anxieties to New Zealand!

There were still 15 minutes left before the meeting. A mother who had made an appointment for consultation anxiously asked on the phone: “I’m still here at the Sky Tower. How can I get to your office in Newmarket?” I told her that if you want to live in Auckland for a long time, you must prepare a map and learn how to use the functions of your mobile phone to find your destination. Searching online in advance can also figure out how to take the bus. I feel so pitiful and sad that the mother and son came here from far away Northeast China, and they still can’t figure it out after two months.

The child entered a middle school as soon as he arrived. The school found that his English proficiency was very low and asked him to transfer to a cooperative language school. The child was dissatisfied with the learning environment of the language school and found another language school to enroll. The nearly half-year tuition fee paid in advance to the school was wasted. Moreover, when entering the country with a student visa, they had to go through the procedures in accordance with the regulations of the Immigration Bureau when changing schools, and they struggled for a while.

It seems that the mother and son had no one to help them after arriving in New Zealand. Not only did they waste money, but their children’s studies were also delayed. If you had made more thorough preparations before going abroad and done more homework after entering New Zealand, you should not be in such a turbulent situation. This mother may not know that most New Zealanders and Chinese immigrants are very friendly and helpful, and you should seek advice and help when necessary. From the conversation, I understood that this mother’s worries came one after another and never stopped.

The original tense and focused learning atmosphere in China was suddenly released here, and the process of entering middle school was not smooth. The child’s sense of loss and frustration found an outlet in mobile phones and computer games, and the child began to enjoy them and could not extricate himself. This is really “the emperor is not in a hurry, but the eunuch is in a hurry.” The mother is getting more and more anxious and troubled, and the verbal conflicts between mother and son continue. I heard from a friend that in the end it was my father who came to clean up the mess and took the mother and son back to the country.

Before and after going abroad, the mother and son failed to rationally evaluate their children’s learning situation. Now that she is here, the mother herself must first make up her mind to be a learning and growing mother, and she must let her children realize that there is no shortcut to learning, they can only take one step at a time, and they must be given time and space for their children to explore, learn, and grow. Don’t forget to try to appreciate your child’s small progress so that you can gradually build your child’s confidence and enthusiasm to challenge difficulties. The first lesson of studying abroad is not the child’s English, but the mother’s mentality that is more important.

Focusing single-mindedly on the child’s need to “quickly meet the standards” is often an obstacle for children to adapt to the new environment and make progress. How can parents establish new thinking that corresponds to the real environment? First, don’t bring out the anxiety you felt when you were in China; second, strive to be a “happy mother”, as a mother’s happiness can trigger positive thinking and learning motivation in the child; third, find a suitable consultation partner. If you applied for school admission through a domestic study abroad company, you should contact the company directly for assistance, or join the WeChat group of school parents. Many difficulties can be easily solved.

From “I bring my own happiness” to “Let mom be happy first”!

Many study mothers and new immigrant mothers who accompany their children to study were the envy of many relatives and friends when they left their hometown. I have met many such “happy mothers” who have found another spring of life here and live like a fish in water. Some mothers have become “worried mothers” instead, and most of their worries are about their children’s learning problems. Weird! Now that the child has escaped the endless hardships of exam-oriented education, why does the mother have new worries?

Upon closer inspection, most cases are issues of concept or mentality. Some mothers who have just arrived in New Zealand are very anxious and eager to see their children become top students in the class. If they study in a middle school where classes are divided according to subject ability, mothers hope that their children will be promoted to Class A as soon as possible. In fact, it takes some time for children to overcome difficulties in Chinese language. The improvement of Chinese language ability requires long-term accumulation and is difficult to achieve quickly. It is not easy to show progress in Chinese language in a short period of time. real! Give your child a little more buffer time. The younger the child, the less nervous he or she needs to be.

For children who have just come from a Chinese environment, almost all learning difficulties, emotional disorders, and interpersonal problems are related to their language proficiency. There is a Year 7 boy who has been here for more than a year. When he comes home from school every day, his mother is always watching his English. The boy feels the frustration and pressure of insufficient Chinese language skills at school. After returning home, he has to bear the pressure from his mother. The boy begins to show signs of rebellion and refusal to study.

Alert that something was going to happen, my mother told me: “I’ll retreat quickly!” That’s right! The children gradually regained their enthusiasm for learning English. When it comes to children’s upbringing, it is wise to retreat at the right time. There was once a mother who played the role of a “helicopter parent”. She asked the school to arrange a high-quality boarding family for her child, and then she ended her accompanying life and returned to China. Perhaps this was also a strategy of “taking retreat to advance”.

In more than 25 years of educational consulting work, I have found that many mothers’ unhappiness comes from comparing their children with other people’s children. This is a common reason why many mothers seek trouble. Please remember that every child is unique, just like plants have different flowering cycles, and many comparisons are meaningless and temporary. Once you understand your own child, it’s worth being happy that your child is different. Therefore, the difference between being a “happy mother” or a “troubled mother” is just a thought.

Professor Qi Bangyuan, the author of “The Great River” said: “My happiness is self-provided.” We can find happiness by ourselves, and we can do it independently. A person who can prepare his own happiness can overcome the imperfections in life.

Ms. Ding Lingjuan, a Taiwanese writer, strongly advocates the concept of “making mothers happy first.” She pointed out that mothers who make themselves happy first may seem selfish, but they are actually the wisest. Only happy mothers will have happy children. Children are most influenced by their mothers. Children don’t care what their mothers do for them, but they will always remember their mother’s happy appearance. Ms. Ding encouraged mothers to take good care of their own hearts, make themselves happy first, and then infect happiness to their families. It’s moral, she says, and it’s important.

There are endless stories of the irritating ways in which “troubled mothers” can make their children’s parenting miserable. This is New Zealand. As long as we adhere to “rationality, calmness and growth”, mothers have an excellent opportunity to be a “happy mother”! You don’t need to be a perfect mother, a mother with a calm mind is the most beautiful! If you still can’t figure it out, let’s talk to Teacher Zhang!

[ThisarticleisthelatestrevisedversionandwasoriginallypublishedinthiscolumnonMarch122023】

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